Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post from a new coworker of mine, Warner Murdoch (apparently unrelated to Rupert). Warner and I share a passion for music and popular culture, and he mentioned that he would like to try his hand at reviewing the most anticipated album of this year: Kanye West’s The Life of Pablo. I haven’t posted anything for a while, so I figured I’d let him give it a go. I only edited for grammar, in-house style, and his incessant use of ellipses to indicate a dramatic pause…what’s with everyone doing that these days? Enjoy!
So you guys know I love music, like a lot! Like I breathe bass and treble cleft, bruh. And I’ve got a pretty open mind, so I love all kinds of music…besides country, punk, pop-punk, emo, screamo, dubstep, 70s soul, and West African ceremonial drumming. Besides those, I love all kinds of music!
There is one other type of music I don’t super care for: rap. Or c-rap as I like to call it, #notrealmusic #lmao #whycantwesaythenword?
There are a couple of rappers I like. Macklemore (what a stud!) and Iggy Azelia (so good!) are probably the best rappers doin’ it right now. I can’t put my finger on why I like them the best. They’re just different from all the other rappers somehow. Anyways, I only bring them up to show that I’m not biased against rap.
There is one c-rapper that I especially hate with all my being, from my head down to my rectum. Mr. Kanye lamer-than-a-sweater-vest West.That guy is just the worst! He’s always tweeting nonsense and interrupting people at award shows. By the way, can you believe he interrupted Beck at the Grammy’s!? Beck’s album was obviously way better and more culturally relevant than Beyonce’s.
Anyways, we all know he’s the living worst. I’d rather be the end of a human centipede from the movie The Human Centipede than listen to one of his albums. However, I’m willing to take one for the team to prevent others from suffering through his music. So when I heard he had a new album coming out, I did the only thing I could: buy it, kind of listen to some of the songs, and then explain why it is stupid and bad and how you’re a lesser human if you like it.
I knew his other music was bad (besides the song about Klondikes—those things rule!). But this new album is even badder—and not the cool kind of Michael Jackson “Bad.” The bad kind of bad.
I have to admit I was kinda excited when I saw that the first song was called “Ultra Light Beam”. “Finally,” I thought, “Dragon Ball Z is going to have the tribute song it deserves!” But it turns out it’s just about how he is trying to keep his faith in a troubled world and how he wants to feel safe. Borrrrring! Who cares, right?
Then he had to go and do it. He used one of his songs to insult America’s infallible sweetheart and my future wifey, Taylor Swift. Have you heard “Blank Space” Kanye? Take notes “bro.” That’s how you make real music! Didn’t you learn from Niki Minja that you don’t mess with Tay-Tay?
I also hate Kanye because he’s in debt and talks about it publicly. I’m not sure why that makes me dislike him, but it just does, okay! I mean dude says he’s 53 million in debt, but he’s only keeping his album on Tidal!? Who uses Tidal? Jay Z doesn’t even use Tidal! (I hear he has advanced technology that beams music and other information straight to his brain, probably from the Illuminati).
So even if I did listen to the rest of the album and came to realize that it sounds pretty good, I’m still going to give it a 0.4 out of 10. Because I just don’t like him.
His baby is pretty adorbs, though. I’ll give him that.